This is for ME

When taking on something new or trying something new, I love to get books on the subject. I am always looking for new spiritual books and daily devotions. You can never have too many daily devotions, right? One of the books I purchased is Everyday Holy by Melanie Shankle. Jameson had become the thing I idolize, the one thing I made time for always. It was no longer God who I let lead my life. I needed to get back to him and for years now I have been trying, or in my mind I thought I was. Since deciding to become sober, I needed something to fill my empty time. I need a distraction so I wouldn’t get “bored” and go to the bar or liquor store. I have taken up reading again and so far I don’t regret it one bit. You know when you go to church after not going for a long time and some how the messaged being given happens to relate exactly to what is going on in your life? Both of the books I bought were just that! Melanie pointed out some things that really stuck with me. “Why don’t I trust you the way that I should God?” “Why do I let fear overtake me?” “When will I be the person I wish I could be?” It was true, I wondered all of those questions too. I sat and tried to figure out the answers, but fell short.

The other book that I bought is A Happier Hour by Rebecca Weller. This book felt like I was reading a story of my life. All of the bad decisions, all of the black outs, all of the lost items and horrid hangovers. The more that I read, the more I think WOW! Am I just a younger her? But it wasn’t that. I realized I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one who told myself time and time again, “Just two drinks, or one hour.” “If someone shows up, you can’t stay longer.” “I won’t get wasted tonight.” Yeah, right. Then she said something that was kind of what I am going through as I write this. She talked about how her boyfriend decided he would do this three month try of no drinking. She says ” With Dom by my side, I felt stronger and more determined, but deep down I knew this challenge was mine. Even if he changed his mind, I needed to keep going.” When I told my boyfriend, who by the way is THE most patient and understanding person I’ve come to know, that I was getting sober, he jumped on board and said he was game to do it with me. I was thrilled. We had gone 30 days before together but in the back of our minds we always knew we would get that drink again. Well not but 3 days later, my boyfriend comes home from work and he looks just defeated. I asked if it was work or the heat and he just looked at me and said, “Babe, I’ve had a few beers.” My very first thought was OMG, are you serious? I was mad. I didn’t say anything at first and just let it sink in. It hit me after that. This is MY journey to travel. I need this and am the one who decided this. I am the one with the problem. It’s ok if he didn’t do this with me. It was even ok if he wasn’t ready to stop drinking. He wasn’t the alcoholic, I was. The worst part was I realized I had been a functioning alcoholic for a few years now. I didn’t like the sound of that one bit.

I felt a new-found motivation after that. I may only be one week in and still on a high from deciding to make a change, but it’s keeping me going at the moment. I went to dinner last night with my boyfriend, he drank and I didn’t. At that moment, I was fine with it. I didn’t feel an urge for a drink. I was on the verge of hangry lol. Though last night may have been easy, it might not always be that way. I am grateful for a man who loves me even though I am an absolute wreck and who is supporting me 100% on my journey. I am grateful for some amazing inspirational women that I can turn to for advice or when I am feeling weak. But most of all, I am grateful that I have made this commitment to change my life. I can not wait to find out what I truly am capable of achieving!

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