With how the end of my work day ended, I faced one of my biggest fears; Failing.
The last hour or so was more stressful than it should have been. I work at DFW airport and trying to leave that place everyday at 3/4 o’clock isn’t my idea of fun. Nor is the traffic I get to endure in the eleven miles it takes to get home. I have a short fuse most of the time and during this second week, I am almost certain that fuse is even short. As I drove home, all I could think about was getting to the bar. I wanted just ONE. I was so mad and irritated. Traffic and drivers were getting to me more because the attitude I already had. It was a perfect storm of riled up emotions just waiting rain down. I battled myself in the car the whole drive home. Should I or should I not? It only been 11 days, you could start over? Do you really want to start over? Every possible question sped through my mind. As I was at a light, I quickly text my friend, we’ll go with M, who is also on a sober journey. Out of respect of his journey and story I don’t want to mention any names. I asked him if he was working and decided to stop by. Even though he bartended, I would have a distraction and also someone to talk to about how I was feeling. And I did just that. I sat at the bar while he worked, drinking water and talking when he could get the chance. To my surprise, we were both having a rough one as we both were craving it. As I said how I was feeling out loud, I became more and more grateful that I didn’t go have that drink. I hated the sound of what I was saying. ” All I want is to just have one. Just feel the Jamo go down. Feel the burn.” All I ever used to do on my drives home from work, was think about that first drink. I wasn’t thinking about getting drunk or blacking out. All I needed was that first sip of Jameson and my anxiety would instantly ease up. The more I said these things, the more disgusted I was with myself. In the time of not talking to him, I sat there and thought about all that I had just said and how it made me feel. I was mad that I let things get this far but happy that I was trying to make a change. I was scared at how I felt and it began to worry me about this journey. I began to think about all my fears.
- Failing. #1 fear
- My confidence or lack there of. #2 biggest fear is not having it anymore and never getting it back. I am very insecure in my body/looks unless I am drinking.
- Never drinking again.
- Would I never drink again?
- What if I wasn’t fun anymore?
- What would people think?
- What would my friends think?
- The social anxiety!
- What if my anxiety gets worse? I mean I am more in my head now than ever. At least drinking shut my mind off.
- Will I be able to stay home alone without the desire to go drink?
- Will I get bored at events because I am not drinking?
- What if I just pick up another bad addiction?
- How will I react to all the emotions I am going to have to face?
- Will I relapse because I am weak and can’t handle the emotions?
- Should I go to a therapist?
- Does that mean something is wrong with me? Oh wait, something is wrong, that’s why you’re doing this.
And that’s just half of it. When I tell y’all that I am in my mind, I way in there. Realizing all of this, it brought me back to a picture I saw on an inspiring woman’s post that I shared below. I will focus on getting sober, but more importantly, I am going to focus on ME. All of me. Inside and out. Out with the old/bad and in with the new and improved. I want to work on loving myself for EXACTLY how I was created. I wish I could see myself the way my parents, Chris, my best friend does. I want to see something worth loving as much as they love me.