Day 21

THREE WEEKS GUYS! It really is the small things in life that make it worth it. For some, 21 days seems like nothing, but for others like myself, 21 days seemed like an eternity. Not only did it feel like it took forever to reach 21 days, today has been one of the hardest and most difficult days. The Universe/Satan was testing me, and when I say that the universe was testing me, that ain’t no joke! All I could think on my way home was, “Not today Satan! Not today!”

I am a very emotional person and I am a very all or nothing type of personality. I am that way in just about everything in life. I was that way with drinking for sure, with drugs- 110%. I always thought “Go big or go home”, I learned that in cheerleading when I was like 5! 🙂 Even though that may not be a horrible thing, it can also hinder me in a lot of ways. When I used to work out in the gym, I did it all. I went to the gym 5 days a week, I meal prepped, took my vitamins and supplements, I still drank, but had a bit of a healthier life style at the time. That wasn’t really a bad thing to be all in on. Drinking and drugs on the other hand, not so much. With work, it’s a great trait, until things go bad and then I usually am all mad.

Today at work was not my best one. I went to bed last night, keeping my normal routine. I did my norm this morning, and even got up early enough to drink some coffee and just sit and meditate. I drove to work fine and got through TSA like it was nothing. One thing I am so grateful for since becoming sober, is my attitude in the mornings. I had become such a scrooge, like everyday. It had become so blatant, except I couldn’t see it. And if I did, I just chose to ignore it. I had a co-worker make a joke about it one day, I laughed it off, but deep down I knew she was right and I didn’t like that. Since giving up alcohol, I have become so much more pleasant! I thoroughly enjoy waking up every morning, despite it being 4:00 am. Excuse me as I tend to get distracted easily even in my writing, back to work today. At some point during breakfast, an order I put in seemed to have just been skipped over and it couldn’t have happened at a busier time. That started the spiral. I have noticed that when you get into a bad mood, just about everything that can go wrong does, because you are looking for it to.  I tried to avoid that today. I kept reminding myself, stay happy, its okay, don’t let this affect your mood. I failed and I let myself get into a HORRIBLE mood. I managed to keep my cool for the most part with co-workers, but I could tell by my tone, I wasn’t sounding as nice. As the day proceeded, everything annoyed me. My mood just worsened and all I  could think to myself was, “Why is this happening to me? This is day 21, that’s long enough to form a new habit. I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” All I could think about was just going to drink. Not get wasted, but I definitely wanted one. Recognizing how I was feeling, I posted in my sober FB group just that. Within moments, I was receiving the support I was looking for reminding me that drinking wouldn’t be worth it and to sit back, notice how I was feeling, inventory it and release it. As soon as I got into my car, I got a notification about a new podcast one of my favorite girls had just posted. If you listen to any podcast, go check out Sarah Ordo’s “My Best F***ing Life.”

Her podcast title, Ask Yourself Why Is This Happening FOR Me, Not TO Me. It was like the bells went off as soon as I read it. I listened to it the whole way home and was grateful that I did. It really got me thinking a lot about my mindset. I have been working so hard to take on everyday with an ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. Sounds cheesy and well, I am. We forget though and are easily caught up in the world, in everyday life. We get caught up in the bullshit, excuse my language. There is a saying, “Stop and smell the roses,” they don’t say that for nothing. We, in life, get so busy that we forget to just stop and take a second. All we do is look at the crap, crap at work, crap in your relationships, crap with your own battles with yourself, just crap everywhere. We forget sometimes, crap is the best fertilizer to create a beautiful garden or rose bush. Sometimes, that crappy situation that you are in, is JUST what you need to teach you the lesson for your next blessing. Sometimes that crappy situation might have saved you from an even worse situation. That made me sit back and look at today in review and ask myself, “What can I take from today, what can I learn from today, to apply to next time something like this might happen?” This most definitely will not be the last time and so therefore I want to be locked and loaded, ready to respond differently. Two of my most favorite quotes: “Learn to respond rather than react”, and “Don’t make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion.” I saw those years ago, probably on the internet somewhere, and never realized how much they would actually mean to me and help me later on.

In my recovery, changing my mindset has been my biggest battle. I have had to take on EVERY emotion sober and it has actually forced to confront them and deal with them. It isn’t a day to day thing for me, but a moment to moment reminder. The realizations aren’t always the prettiest, but all of the “crap” I am feeling and going through is just fertilizing me so that I may grow into the most beautiful, most flourishing, and best version of myself.

“The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” – Romans 8:18

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