Sometimes insecurities are formed on your own and others are because it is something that has been told to you by other people. Just like everyone has their own insecurities, I have mine. I have struggled with them all of my life. To be honest, it has gone from an insecurity to a reality for me in my mind. At some point you go from thinking or fearing something to just straight believing your own lies, and I have done just that. Not only my lies, but the lies from others. I spent so much time afraid to face my own fears and drinking, that all I did was push them aside just to arise later in life, at the age where I thought I would have my shit together. I am a few months away from turning 30 and I barely know who I am and feel like a middle schooler about to start her freshman year. I see 30 as the age where you finally have your head out of your booty and are really starting to enjoy life and have learned from most of your childish mistakes. I see it as adulthood I guess you could say. My twenties are one big blur of parties, drinking, blackouts, drugs, somehow working and failed relationships. I don’t want to carry that into my thirties. I am beyond blessed to have met Chris before my brother passed. I 110% believe God put him in my life to help assist me along the excruciating road I was about to endure. He has stuck by through the good, the bad and the ugly. And let me tell you the ugly was uninviting most of the time. I am blessed to say I will start my thirties with the man of my dreams and the one I will spend forever with. 4 1/2 years isn’t a short time to deal with some crap and we have gone through it together and haven’t given up on each other yet.
With that, I still have those insecurities. I have someone who truly loves me, who doesn’t judge me and adores me even at my worst, but I still don’t love me. I want to love myself, not just for him, but for myself! Truly soul search and find the Me that was I meant to be.
This is where it gets hard, telling you, voicing and saying out loud my insecurities.
Because of the lies others and myself, this is how I see me:
- I am to skinny.
- My hair is to thin
- I don’t look like a woman
- I am not cuvry
- My forehead is to big
- Because no bachelors degree, I won’t ever have a good job/ job I love
- I am not good enough
- I am not worthy
BUT THOSE ARE LIES! Lies I have let myself come to believe and feel rejected by. Rejection isn’t just an emotion, it is a message sent to our core helping us believe the lies from our-self and others. Our thoughts hold great power. The mind feast on what it is focused on. Whatever consumes your thinking will make or break you. Learning to change your thought process, your mindset, after 29 years isn’t necessarily easy, but challenge accepted. After all. I had to change it when it came to drinking, so why not change it when it comes to loving myself. I have given people numerous of chances in my life, why not give myself a second chance! So I will wake up every morning and be grateful. I will be a new me. A stronger me. Each day will be filled with its shares of struggles, but because I won’t let it stop me. I will push through and charge ahead, because I am determined to get to the other side of my insecurities. I will take on any challenge, knowing I AM strong enough, I AM good enough and I AM worthy. 💪🏼🌱🦏💞