Brutal but Beautiful

What a ride these past 74 days have been. The emotional roller coaster has been wild.

A little over a month into my already emotional journey of sobriety, our youngest pup Simpson was diagnosed with lymphoma. We were given a timeline of 6 months if we did chemo and radiation. Without it, it was unsure how much time we would have. As I write this, he is having a good day. He is joyful, excited and,besides his weak leg, almost his old self again. I am so happy he is in good spirits, but I don’t like the hope that it gives me. We prayed when we found out for just one more month with him and we have gotten that. We can’t help but to want more time but know that we can’t be selfish. We aren’t sure how much time left we have with him, but we are enjoying everyday as much as we can!

The day that we found out was one of the hardest days for me. It was the first time something major happened since getting sober. I was not ready for the emotions that followed. I was furious, hurt, shocked, overwhelmed and speechless. The moment I got in my car, all I could think about was driving straight to the old bar I used to frequent. I was barely over a month and really didn’t see myself that far in and just didn’t care. I called my best friend and vented. I yelled, I cried, I went through just about every scenario imaginable that could happen and freaked out with each one. How were we going to afford this? Not only was it bad enough we were going to be losing our pup, but we could barely even afford the hospital visit to begin with. How in the world were we going to pay for 8-10k worth of chemo and radiation? I told her how it was pointless and that I just wanted to go to the bar. In that same sentence, I realized how terrible of an idea that was. How could I be freaking out about money to save my dog, but go spend it to get myself drunk?! Instead of driving to the bar, I drove home.

I went to my office, fell to my knees and burst into tears. I was ugly crying for sure! I couldn’t even begin to comprehend that our sweet pup was so sick and we were going to be losing him so quickly. I bargained with God and begged him to let me take the cancer from him. It just wasn’t fair! We had saved Simp once from being put down when we adopted him. There just had to be another way. My boyfriend and I talked about almost everything, hoping to come up with a solution. As of now, we have him on steroids and have some pain medicine just in case. Luckily, he doesn’t seem to be in much pain, but more like discomfort. We are just taking it one day at a time and trying to prepare for the inevitable.


Finally releasing all that has built up can be so liberating. As I slowly do so myself, I grow stronger, more confident and have so much more energy to focus on better things. I never realized how much I have held in and not dealt with. I think in the back of my mind, I knew I hadn’t dealt with some things, but Jameson never let me get far enough into my emotions to really figure out a way to heal. Even though becoming sober has been one of the hardest things I’ve done thus far, it has also been one of, if not, the best decision of my life. I feel as though with all my tears and pain, joy and relief has followed. Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to continue to bleed. You can bandage the wound with alcohol, drugs, work, gambling; but sooner or later, it will start bleeding again and leave stains on your life. You must find your courage and strength and pull the root of the pain keeping you holding onto the past. You must make peace with the past, so you can enjoy the present.

I know that the past 74 days are just the beginning to my healing and I am not quitting now! I know some days will be so hard I’ll probably think I won’t make it through, but I will. I will make it through every good day and every rough day. Though the days have sometimes been long, I am able to see the beauty from the pain. I have so much pain to work through and am ready to release it all! Coming from a person who constantly ran from her problems and worked to drink my worries away, deal with your shit. Hurt people hurt people.💜

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