This. A thousand times over.
I don’t blame my parents, or a sibling or even the bullies in my life. I look at myself. I was in competitions of all sorts from the age of 3; dance, cheerleading, pageants, piano, cello, etc. Starting at a young age, I was being judged, and that’s where my need for being perfect came in. I would sit in front of the piano for hours until my piece was perfect. My mother used to have to pry me from it just to eat dinner. She always said I was strong willed from the start, but I think competing caused a switch to flip and my desire to be perfect became stronger. It turned from others judging me in competitions, to me judging myself day in and day out. Everything I did, every decision I made, was made because I thought it would make me better, prettier, stronger, cooler, you name it. I used drugs and alcohol later on in life to give me a break, to loosen me up, to allow me to have fun. I dropped out of dance and pageants to party around the age of 16 and never looked back. I loved the feeling of being free, or not caring, not giving a shit. That ultimately spiraled into an addiction.
I still struggle with perfectionism, but am learning to ease up on myself. I am learning that it’s ok to not have a perfect plan, to not know what my exact next move will be. I’m learning to not think my whole world is ending if my perfect plan does get messed up by everyday life shit. I used to get so worked up when a crinkle in my plan would come about. I’m learning to laugh at my mistakes and try again. I’m learning to not compare myself to every other woman out there. I’m slowly understanding that I have my own set of strengths to offer this world. I’m slowly learning to let go of the reins and just let God. I am slowly letting go of what others think and focusing on what I really need and desire. I am 111 days sober today and falling in love with who I truly am with each passing day.
I am enough. I am worthy. I am loved. I am perfect just as I am, flaws and all! 💎🌻✌🏼💫💜