Excuse me as I lather up in Valor for this.
So as most of you have seen, I FINALLY got sober from alcohol 120 days ago. What some of you might not have known, is I still continued to smoke weed throughout the first part of it. I made a huge life decision and change becoming free from alcohol and wanted to take it one addiction at a time. Honestly, at the time I didn’t think I had a problem with smoking. In the past I had stopped with no withdrawals, but I was still drinking then. Becoming sober from alcohol and starting this journey of personal growth and spiritual growth has opened my eyes tremendously. I am forever grateful for it, but it is not without its struggles.
18 days ago, I decided I wanted to be COMPLETELY sober, 100%, no cheating, no pills, no smoking- I wanted to give it all up. I started to realize how much I actually did rely on smoking to “escape” my days. I smoked to ease my anxiety, to shut my mind off from all my worries and insecurities, to forget about what was bothering me. I am so very proud of myself for making this decision and taking the steps to bettering my life and my health.
Now that I no longer have drugs or alcohol to ease my worries, my anxiety, my attitude, my temper, and my insecurities, they are in my face more than ever. It is now time for me to truly deal with my emotions and my struggles. I know I will have many who roll their eyes at what I am going to say, but I also know I am not the only one out there struggling with what follows.
I am naturally a small build and my metabolism runs faster than Usain Bolt. It is a blessing and a curse. Because of my small stature, I’ve always been given shit- for my lack of boobs, lack of curves, and my own judgments and comparison to others didn’t help. I’ve always been told I needed to go eat a cheeseburger or something related. I’ve been asked if I had eating problems or if I was anorexic or bulimic. Those who know me personally, know I love me some food.
Since getting completely sober, my body has gone through a dramatic change physically. I have lost some weight through detoxing and all the changes and it’s worsened my personal view of my body.
This is the face of a girl who is eating healthy and crappy just to put on whatever weight I can.
This is the face of a girl who cries nightly in disgust of what she sees.
This is the face of a girl, anxiety ridden due to the fact I’m even losing weight.
This is the face of a girl with major bags under her eyes from crying and stressing and having nightmares nightly.
This is the face of a girl who is changing her life for the better.
It may not be pretty at the moment, but I know eventually I will get the healthy body I have always craved. That right there is what pushes me to not give up. The fact that I am even completely sober is a huge accomplishment in itself. I am not where I want to be yet, but I sure as hell am in a better place than where I was!
This is the face of a girl in RECOVERY.
This is the face of a girl who is SOBER.
This is the face of a girl who is finally FREE.