✨ Long but felt the need to share ✨
Today and almost every other day as of late, have been brutal. When I first got sober I was on a high from actually taking the jump and doing it. I was so proud of myself and I still am, but now is where the true hard work comes in. Now is where the pain, the anger, the hurt, the resentment, all the emotions numbed by drugs and alcohol finally surface. For the most part, my childhood was pretty smooth. Things didn’t start to get rough for me until the beginning of my teenage years. So much has happened over the years, some of it not my fault or doing and some of it because of my choices made. Ultimately, it left me in a spot where I didn’t want to deal with it so I chose to party. I chose to drink and do drugs and surround myself with others hurting like I was but refusing to deal with it. I am now having to deal with years of built up emotions and boy is it erupting like a volcano. I had a great weekend with my best friend of 15 years who has been there for me almost more than anyone else, but yet I came home and have had one of the hardest days emotionally. I started to feel anger, out of no where, as I was unpacking and decided I needed to go be alone. Next thing I know, I am bawling my eyes out while reading. After getting out my tears and a very long conversation with my husband, I came to realize I am just going through the process of recovery. I also realized, right now, where I am in my journey, I need to be doing nothing but working on me. I have a lot of built up emotions ready to come out and be dealt with and I need to allow that to happen. One thing that makes this hard is I have never really done it so sometimes I get confused on what is happening. Other times I try to postpone the process and dealing because I am too busy doing other things in my life. I will be taking a break from “doing” as much and working more on just being. Allowing myself the time to process and release the emotions that have been waiting so long to be dealt with. I don’t know what it will look like or how it will be handled, but I am ready to fully let go of all of this pain and anger. I am letting go of the reins completely and allowing God to work in me the way he has been trying to for a while now. There will probably be tons of tears and a lot of alone time, but I know in the end, it will be what my mind, body and soul needed. If I seem somewhat distant, know it isn’t because of anything other than me just working on myself and trying to understand it all in the process. I am saying extra prayers for anyone else struggling, no matter the issue and sending out all the love and light possible.