This one is going to be a bit long 🙂
So I started this blog when I first got sober to help me express some of the emotions I was going through and just in a way vent. I didn’t care if anyone read it or not, it was really for me. Then the perfectionist in me kicked in and I started thinking about what other people thought about my writings. The more feed back I got, though it was good, the more pressure I put on myself to write. No one else was putting pressure on me so why did I feel like if I wasn’t writing everyday, no one would read them? After all, this was just for me wasn’t it? So, I decided to take a break and in doing so, I went back to bottling it all up inside. It wasn’t until recently that I even started journaling on a regular basis. I will say, journaling, pen and paper, I love. I love the capability to be messy, draw, scribble, do whatever is put on my soul at that time. Some of my entries are organized and appealing to my OCD-ness. Other entires look like a kid just went at it and had a blast coloring and writing all over. With that being said, I decided I was going to start writing on here again, for me. So please excuse me if my entries seem a little scattered or all over the place. I am just getting off my heart what I feel necessary.
You see, from a young age, I was raised as a competitor. Between piano concerts, dance and cheer competitions, and beauty pageants, I was always being judged and what others thought was everything. After all, if they didn’t like what they saw or heard, I wouldn’t win. Though I love the discipline that it taught me, somewhere along the way a switch in my mind flipped and all I could think about was being judged. I am no professional, but I fully believe that is why I care more than others what people think of me and what I produce. I am almost 30 years old and am just now opening my eyes to all that I have allowed to hold me back. You are never going to please everyone and not everyone is going to like you, so why stress over trying to make that happen? Yet, for a long time that was me. I am still that way, but working on breaking that habit daily.
2018 was a crazy year for me. I started it out no different than any other, drunk. For the first half of the year my drinking had started to cause more and more problems in my life. In April, I went to a concert with my best friend, got wasted and almost ruined our relationship. Two months later, the day after Father’s Day to be exact, I decided to get sober. I was lying in my own hell, sent home from work and beyond hung over. Pretty sure I had given myself alcohol poisoning. It was right then and there I decided I couldn’t keep living like this. I wanted more for my life and it was time I got up off my ass and did something about it. I spent the rest of 2018 working through a mass amount of emotions that had been built up over a span of 29 years. There are things that have happened in the past that I am just now realizing bother me and habits formed that are part of what is holding me back. I spent the latter of the year lost in all of my emotions that had surfaced suddenly, I didn’t know how to focus on anything else. Now that I have a little bit more clarity, I am able to understand and express those emotions and release them.
2019 is going to be a year of growth and reinvention. I look at sobriety and recovery as a chance to not recover but to reinvent. I don’t want the old me back, I want a new and improved me. I am breaking old habits and creating new ones. As they say, out with the old, in with the new. I’m getting rid of limiting beliefs, caring so much about what others think, negative self talk, and clearing out all the junk inside so I have room for the beauty that truly lies within. I’m taking command of my life, my thoughts, my actions, my goals, my circumstances, and my relationships. I am bringing more joy and happiness to each of my days I am blessed with. I am in charge of my life and my thoughts so therefore I am taking back control and charging ahead. One of my favorite people, Brendon Buchard, said something in one of this videos that really resonated with me, “Someone else’s understanding is not necessary for my progress”. Feed back from others and listening to others is great and helpful, but it shouldn’t always dictate what you do with your dreams or your passion. Don’t let others who don’t understand your dream tell you that it is impossible or you won’t make it. You only get one life, make sure you are out working towards your dreams everyday and living, truly living life!